


Time and Reflection

by sarthij



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Ishval, PTSD, Vomiting, there is some mention of roy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:45:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7505218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarthij/pseuds/sarthij
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riza Hawkeye leaves Ishval. Oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time and Reflection

Riza leaves Ishval right before dawn. Her watch reads 4 AM and, as she stands in the sand-covered station, she experiences as acute pain in the pit of her stomach. She boards the train taking her to Risembool at 5 AM and spends the time between then and 7 AM fighting nausea that she knows isn't the product of motion sickness. She boards the second train taking her to Central at 9 AM and she finally throws up at 10:00 AM in that train's bathroom. When she has nothing left to expel, she presses her forehead into the cool metal of her watch and feels somewhat grounded. She spends 10 AM to 11 AM passed out in the cramped train bathroom, leaning on the toilet she was sick in. She wakes up at 12 PM when someone pounds the door demanding to know, "when will you be done in there?!" She slinks back to her seat and politely declines the lunch that is offered to her at 12:30 PM. She stares out the window at the vast greenery until a man tells her, "You have done a great service for our country." She then spends 2 PM to 3 PM trying not to cry as she recalls those great services. She gets off of the train and steps onto the smoky platform of Central Station at 5 PM.

"Riza!"

She stiffens and reaches for her gun before registering that she needn't do so. She turns and is surprised to find that the sight of Rebecca Catalina does nothing to ease her nerves. "Rebecca, it's been a while."

Rebecca looks taken aback for a moment and it occurs to Riza that she probably looks as bad as she feels. She wonders if there is vomit in her hair. "Riza, babe, did you sleep at all on the train?"

"I slept."

"Ok… Good – that's good. Well," Rebecca's face scrunches up into a smirk. Riza remembers that Rebecca smirked a lot. She remembers that she used to find that rather charming. "I hope you're awake enough to thank your amazing best friend who showed up to take you home even though someone didn't tell me – "

"How did you find out when my train was arriving?"

Rebecca looks deflated. "Well, if I'm being honest, I just happened to be close to the train station and heard a gal talking about troops arriving this afternoon, I mean, well – now. I heard that troops would be arriving now and figured I'd see if troops included you."

Riza stares at Rebecca and wonders if she should be touched that her friend took the trouble to see her. Riza stares at her and wonders if she's a bitch for not feeling especially grateful. Riza stares at her picks up her luggage. "Where did you park?"

"Oh. I didn't drive. Didn't I just tell you? I was walking around this area and heard someone say troops were arriving. How exactly would I have heard that if I had been in my car?"

There is a playful lilt in Rebecca's voice. Riza forces a smile that she knows looks like a grimace. "Are we walking then?"

Rebecca definitely read her attempted smile as a grimace. "My apartment isn't far from here, babe. Let me take your stuff."

...

At 5:30 PM they walk to Rebecca's apartment. It is painfully awkward. Riza does not attempt to be good conversation. She lets Rebecca talk through the tension and concentrates on her surroundings. The Central air is thick with smog and cigarettes and it contrasts profoundly with Ishval where the air was thick with gunpowder and disturbed sand.

They reach her apartment at 6:30 and Rebecca drops Riza's luggage in the guest-room, which is really just her sparse living room, and leaves her whilst declaring that she needs a bath. Riza sits down on the couch, "your guest bed!", and looks at the patterns in the wood of Rebecca's floor. The textured swirls remind her of patterns the ashes from Roy's fires made when they were picked up by the wind. She looks up from the wood. She wonders when Roy would be leaving Ishval (maybe he had already left?) and whether he would be going to Central as well. She wonders if he has a friend to stay with. Hughes and his fiancé spring into her mind and she feels guilty for forgetting Hughes, he was a nice man. She remembers hearing of the proficiency and efficacy that Hughes, the nice man, demonstrated while slaughtering Ishvalans. She shakes off the thought and spends the rest of Rebecca's shower staring at her watch, counting along with the second-hand.

Rebecca finishes her shower at 7:00 PM and looks surprised to see Riza awake. Perhaps she thought that Riza, who was now sure she looked terrible and exhausted, would have taken the silence brought on by her shower to sleep instead of ruminating on the dark susceptibilities of nice men.

Rebecca makes a noise and Riza looks at her. Rebecca is not dressed for bed. "Well, Riza, I gotta be honest with you, babe, I didn't really expect you to still be awake. Why are you awake? You look like death, if 'm being honest."

Riza shrugs, "I didn't try to sleep. Why're you dressed up?"

Rebecca smiles in a guilty way. "I told you, I didn't technically plan to pick you up, I just happened to find you. I kinda planned a date tonight." Rebecca immediately cringes, evidently thinking Riza would be affronted to be viewed as second priority to her date. "Not that I won't totally cancel if you don't want me to go!"

"No, go. Honestly 'Becca, I don't want to talk to you."

Rebecca's face collapses for a second before she reconstructs it. Riza is confused for a second before realizing how unkind her words are. Riza tries to bring herself to care that she hurt her best friend's feelings. She used to care about hurting her best friend's feelings. "Rebecca – "

"No, it's okay. I get it, you're caught up in," Rebecca makes some vague hand gestures. "But hey! Why don't you just –erm – clean yourself up a bit and we can go out together!" Rebecca finishes on a smile.

"Rebecca why would you want me to come on your date?"

"Well, maybe not for the date, but Riza you don't need to feel obligated to stay cooped up in here! It's your first day back from wa-work! Go out and I don't know… celebrate? Get fucked up! God knows that the other soldiers are celebrating being back home. Just yesterday, I was in The Red Lion – that's a bar about two blocks from here – and this guy – and I knew he was a soldier because he was just built Riz' like, wow! – So this guy was wasted and – "

Riza stops listening. She actually considers it for a second – going out. Getting fucked up. Other soldiers who had the same experiences, who had to know what she was going through, who had killed people, who were just getting home, they were all getting drunk and celebrating the end of the war. Maybe it was a coping mechanism she hadn't heard about? She could use a coping mechanism. Riza thinks about leaving with Rebecca and drinking away her war-time troubles like those other soldiers. She remembers how her father would drink himself into a stupor when he was feeling especially disagreeable. That was reason enough not to partake. Besides, what would happen? Either she'd drink alone and lose herself in a black out or she'd drink with someone at the bar and spend a night with them, lose herself in their touch. Both ideas make her distinctly uncomfortable. "I think I'll pass on the offer, but thanks Rebecca."

Rebecca looks at her. "Ok, Riza." Rebecca left.

...

Riza stays at Rebecca's apartment. She pretends to be asleep when Rebecca returns and she pretends to be asleep when she feels Rebecca gently places a blanket over her. The city shines through the window in Rebecca's living room and illuminates Riza's watch. She sees that it is 3 AM and she watches the seconds tick by until she falls asleep at 4.

...

Riza wakes up and it is significantly darker outside. She squints at her watch, it reads 5 AM. Riza gets up and goes into the bathroom. Riza looks into the mirror. She does have vomit in her hair, which is longer than she likes and badly kept. Her eyes are red. She is still wearing her uniform; she hasn't even taken off her boots despite being in Rebecca's apartment for about 12 hours. Riza takes off her boots and her clothes and steps into the shower. She turns the dial to the hottest setting. She turns away from the spray so that it hits her back, her tattoo. The water is icy when it first comes down, but it gradually becomes hot enough that she yelps in pain. Her body forces her to turn it cooler. She wonders if Roy's fire would hurt the same way when he burns her back.

Riza suddenly realizes she had no way of reaching Roy. No phone number, no address, no way of making him deliver on his promise. The panic crawling up her throat subsides when she remembers that she can find him through the records at Central Headquarters. She resolves to stop dwelling on him until the time comes.

She lathers soap onto her body and rinses soap off of her body. She feels her ribs sticking out of her chest. This is probably the skinniest she has ever been. This is probably the least attractive she has ever been, she notices, as she steps out of the shower and once again meets her piteous reflection. In a split-second decision, she decides to cut her scraggly hair. She opens Rebecca's medicine cabinet and finds a small pair of scissors. She gathers up a clump of her hair and shears it off. She gathers another clump and another clump and another until her hair is resembling a crew cut once more. The haircut looks clumsy and misshapen but Riza finds the length comforting.

Riza starts to dress and, though her clothes are dirty, she feels cleaner than she has since stepping onto the station. As she drags her pants from her pile of clothes her watch clatters onto the floor, facedown.

Riza scours Rebecca's sparse kitchen and finds a mug and Rebecca's coffee brewer. She takes the coffee onto her guest bed (sofa). Riza looks out of Rebecca's window. The sun peeks out of the city's skyline. It looks rather beautiful, really. Very different from Ishval. Riza ignores the tight feeling in her chest that comes along with the comparison, she is determined to appreciate the moment. Riza glances down at her vacant wrist and notes that, for the first time since leaving Ishval, she doesn't actually know what time it is.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first attempt at writing fic. It's rough, but I always wanted to try to write something about Riza's first night after coming back from Ishval. Maybe I'll revisit this story later when I am a more skilled writer lol


End file.
